It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for SLTD’s resident Scottish Nightmare, yours truly, to bring you the musings rattling around inside my head. Yup, believe it or not, my Mexican impression from last week’s SLTD Radio isn’t the only thing that was going around in there!
This week, I’ve decided to spend my time talking about a certain wrestling family. They’re creepy and they’re kooky, they’re seriously spooky, they’re altogether ooky… the Hogan family!!! Come on everybody!
Do do do do (clap, clap)… Do do do do (clap, clap), do do do do, do do do do, do do do do (clap, clap)
I got a wee bit carried away there, but my point is still valid. The Hogan family is just plain weird. From Hogan’s sex tape, to his daughter that looks like a transsexual, to his son who has a penchant for car wrecks, they’re a pretty fucked up set of individuals. At least in my view, and I know I’m not the only member of the Jock Straps who thinks so!
Some of you out there will be wondering, and not for the first time, what the fuck are you talking about George? In case you missed it, Hulk Hogan apparently turned into Quagmire from Family Guy again over the weekend, and tweeted a creepy picture of his daughter (?) Brooke, in a short dress that focused on her legs. If ever there was a method of practising safe sex, a picture of Brooke should do it. She’s got a face that looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Honestly, her face could curdle milk and turn a pint of lager.
This story shouldn’t surprise anyone. Especially those of you who are regular listeners to the MFX Podcast, which you can subscribe to and download from iTunes here. Hogan’s got previous form for taking/tweeting creepy pics like this of his daughter. Check this article out from VH1 if you don’t believe me!
There’s something very weird about a 60-year old man who tweets pervy pictures of his daughter. Ain’t nobody got time for that! What part of Hogan’s brain thinks it’s OK to do that? It’s not the worst thing that’s been reported though. A few years ago, a story broke that Hogan was seen rubbing sunscreen into his adult daughter’s (?) ass. Yup. You did just read that. A grown man rubbing sunscreen on his daughter’s ass. Wow… Then there was the time where Hogan retweeted someone who’d tweeted that they’d been “balls deep” in his daughter. He’s just a senile, perverted old man who’s a few steps short of being Herbert from Family Guy.
Then there was Brooke’s “wardrobe malfunction” from her “wedding” to Bully Ray on Impact a few weeks ago. I heard about that before Impact aired in the UK, so I fast-forwarded through the entire segment just to avoid it. I mean, come on. A wardrobe malfunction? As if anyone in their right mind wanted to see that! It wouldn’t surprise me if Hulk was responsible for that. Just imagine him pitching that idea in a creative meeting to Bruce Pritchard:
Hulk: “Well ya know somethin’ Brrrrotherrr Love? I got a great idea to boost ratings. Instead of eating our vitamins, drinking our milk and saying our prayers, why don’t we get my daughter’s dress to slip off? It’d start off a whole new era in wrestling… Think about it… Breast-A-Mania is running wild!”
Bruce Pritchard: “Hulk… Ah looooooovvvveeee youuuuuuuu…r idea!”
Seriously, it wouldn’t surprise me if that idea was Hulk’s brainchild, just in case we’d not seen enough of his daughter on screen. The Lily Savage look-a-like with giant feet who fell on her ass a few weeks ago on Impact. Hogan seems to have an unhealthy fetish with displaying his daughter out there for all to see. Maybe he gets some sick thrill out of putting his daughter out there in a position where she can get ogled? Although those who do ogle her probably need to speak to a therapist ASAP to be fair.
The final member of this fucked-up family is Nick. Hulk’s son. A man responsible for seriously injuring someone in a car accident. Quite ironic considering his life’s been like a car crash. Is it any wonder that he’s grown up into such a fucked-up dude when you think about the childhood he had? Growing up with guys like Ultimate Warrior, Brutus Beefcake and Scott Hall around the place? Wouldn’t surprise me if Beefcake gave Nick a set of scissors to run around with as a child, and shit just got worse from there. The only thing that would be more ironic about Aces & 8’s would be to have Nick Hogan revealed as their leader. Their “driving” force if you will… You can keep that joke if you want. My gift to you.
The weirdest thing about all of this entire family is that Hogan has married a woman who’s young enough to be his daughter, and who looks like his daughter. That’s not right. Something’s seriously fucked up with that. There’s a difference between being proud of your kids, and tweeting creepy pictures of them to the world. Like I said, he’s only a few short steps from becoming Quagmire off Family Guy.
Apart from all these jokes, there’s a serious point to this – all of this shit Hogan (and his family) does, reflects badly on TNA by association. The longer that Hulk Hogan is involved with TNA, the worse it’s gonna get. He’s already responsible for well over 30% of the content every week and it’s making TNA hard to watch. Some people deserve to have the spotlight in that company, but the longer that Hulk Hogan and his band of misfit children are there, TNA will slowly die, courtesy of the 2000’s version of the Addams Family.
As usual, feel free to whack a comment below about what I’ve had to say and if you liked this article, feel free to share it on your Facebook wall or Twitter profile, as long as you credit me for the work. I’ll be back with the next Smoke & Mirrors next Tuesday, so I’ll see ya then!